Episode #03 Embracing Change: Navigating the Ripple Effect of Divorce with Self-Care and Effective Communication

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Welcome Listeners!

Hey everyone! Thanks for tuning in today. We've got an incredible guest, Mardi Winder Adams, whose story and expertise are truly inspiring.

Mardi offers over 30 years of experience helping women navigate the challenges of high conflict and high asset divorces. She is an ICF and board-certified executive and leadership coach, a certified divorce transition coach, and a credentialed distinguished mediator in Texas.

Meet Mardi Winder Adams:

Who’s Mardi? Mardi is a dedicated coach and mediator with over three decades of experience in helping women through challenging divorces.

What’s Her Mission? She founded the communication system and hosts the podcast "The DShift: Redefining Divorce and Beyond" and "Real Divorce Talks" to support women in transition.

What We’re Talking About Today:

Mardi’s Journey: She shares her personal and professional experiences, highlighting how she became an expert in divorce coaching and mediation.

Challenges of High Conflict Divorces: Discussing the emotional and financial toll of high conflict and high asset divorces and how to manage them.

Support Systems: The importance of having a support network and practical advice for navigating divorce.

Self-Care During Divorce: Tips for maintaining emotional and physical health during the stressful process of divorce.

Practical Advice: Mardi offers actionable advice for women going through divorce, emphasizing the importance of planning and self-care.

Difference Between a Mediator and a Divorce Coach: Clarifying the roles and benefits of both in the divorce process.

Listener Q&A:

You asked, Mardi answers! Get ready for some eye-opening responses.

Wrapping Up:

Mardi's expertise is all about making better choices and guiding women through their divorce journey. If you're looking to navigate your divorce with more confidence and support, you’re in the right place.

Stay Connected with Mardi:

Want more from Mardi?

Check out her website: Divorce Coach 4 Women.

https://www.divorcecoach4women.com/

Resilience Building Blueprint: A 28 Day Journey To Becoming A Stronger You https://tinyurl.com/resiliencebuildingblueprint

5 Essential Conflict Resolution Strategies For Any Relationship

https://tinyurl.com/5essentialconflictstrategy

Schedule a Discovery Call:

https://tinyurl.com/letsconnectwithmardi

Thanks for Listening!

Loved this episode? Share it with a friend who might benefit from Mardi’s wisdom, and don’t forget to subscribe for more awesome content.

Catch you next time as we continue exploring ways to transform our health and our lives!

Transcript:

Today I am super psyched and really

Honored to introduce our next guest and

My friend marty wer adams I I just love

Talking to this woman because she's

Fascinating so listen to this marty

Offers over 30 years helping women

Navigate the challenges of high conflict

And high asset divorces marty is an icf

And board certified executive and

Leadership coach div certified divorce

Transition coach and a credential

Distinguished

Mediator in texas wow wow wow right how

Does one person do all of this she

Founded the communication system and

Host the podcast the dshift redefining d

Divorce and beyond and real divorce

Talks um a warm welcome marty a warm

Welcome and I I you know reading all of

What you have done um I just wish

Somebody like you was around 40 years

Ago when I went through my

Doce I could have used you in a big

Way Dr. Peggy I could have used me when I

Went through my divorce as well yeah

Yeah yeah so it I'm I'm curious um is

That what got you to inspired because of

Your own uh experience in divorce

I think partially well definitely yes um

The experience I had and I didn't have a

Particularly difficult divorce uh there

Was no kids involved so it was a little

Cleaner than a lot of uh other divorces

There was some there was some stuff that

Happened that uh wasn't extremely

Pleasant as there is in every divorce

But I I think that going through that I

Was very fortunate because I had a great

Um support network and uh like I said we

Didn't have a lot of the complications

Of having to do with co-parenting and

All that other kind of stuff it was a

Fairly brief marriage less than five

Years so there wasn't a lot of

Co-mingled assets it was it was fairly

Straightforward to do but fast forward

In my executive coaching role and in

Working with couples going through

Mediation uh which I have which I've

Done since the like the 1990s it really

Struck me how difficult the whole

Negotiations separation and making those

Financial decisions but also those

Really emotional decisions you know

Divorce isn't isn't just a contract

Although that's what it boils down to in

The court system but for the human

Beings involved it's a really emotional

Stressful lifechanging situation and I

Just wanted to support particularly

Women I only work with women um in my

Coaching services is really helping them

To have the this the the emotional

Support but also the practical and

Logistical support of not how do you

Deal with the legal stuff not how do you

Deal with the mental health stuff but

How do you deal with the day-to-day

Stuff that goes on that you have to deal

With throughout your

Divorce wow wow wow wow I see how you

Got there and you know I think as you

Said when you have experienced it even

Though yours was not as

Complex um just learning over the years

I mean 30 years wow uh you've probably

Seen it all with kids I've mediated some

Weird weird divorce things I'll tell you

And and I've seen some situations where

Couples really had the potential to go

Through the divorce get a mediated

Settlement and start rebuilding that

Relationship and because of the

Adversarial nature of the legal system

Um that wasn't allowed to happen and

Then you know I think it's crazy I don't

Care how much money you have to be

Looking at spending and I'm not making

These numbers up these are actual

Clients spending like 140 250

$300,000 in legal fees through your

Divorce and it lasting years not months

Years that is that's years out of your

Life that you could be enjoying yourself

And moving on that that's money that you

Could be leaving to your kids or your

Favorite charity or your family or just

Giving it away or taking travel

Adventures or whatever you want to do

It's

So it's so unnecessary in most cases um

And having having somebody that can you

Know kind of guide you support you um

Give you a chance to think about your

Options and you know make a decision is

It worthwhile to just give them that

Extra100 ,000 and get this over with

Today or do you want to spend another

$250,000 in legal fees in two years of

Your life to get back that money there's

No there's no return on your investment

Here some it's interesting because it

Seems like a no-brainer but I my thought

Process is when you suffer from a

Divorce especially if it's a difficult

Divorce or there's been some

Unfaithfulness or something like that

And there's little kids um

I don't think people know what their

Options are it's sort of yeah discuss

Options they don't even know there are

Options and that's what's really

Interesting about your work is to be

Able to introduce them to different

Things that they can do to get through

This nightmare so to speak well and you

Brought up a really good point dr peggy

In that a lot of people see the divorce

Process as a way to be vindicated or to

To be made right or to be told that yes

You married a very bad person and you

Know you were a saint and they were a

Horrible person the divorce process does

Not do any of that um as a matter of

Fact in most states now it doesn't even

Matter if the spouse had an affair it

Doesn't matter if the spouse has um you

Know uh some kind of mental health

Diagnosis you know we hear narcissism

Narcissistic partners brought up all the

Time and I always tell people you know

You can be a jerk without being a

Narcissist there's no and everybody can

Be a difficult person at times but if

You think going through the divorce

Process somebody's going to tell you you

Know you're a good person because you

Put up with this and you deserve

Financial rewards because you put up

With your partner's bad behavior that

Just that's not a reality of the divorce

Process I'm not saying that's right or

Wrong I'm saying that's the reality and

Yeah you know even things today um like

Long-term spousal support that does not

Happen typically anymore uh you know 20

Years ago I haven't heard of it you know

20 years ago or 30 years ago it wasn't

Uncommon for there to be um you know

Spousal support awarded until the the

Partner making the and it was typically

Always the woman at that point in time

Till she either remarried or passed away

That doesn't typically exist anymore um

You know it's based on the length of

Your marriage and how much your

Potential to earn income is whether

You've been in or out of the workforce

They still expect you to get back there

Yeah yeah wow that's interesting that's

Interesting I want to ask you um being

In the you know total wellness uh area

Of of

Healthare how do you with a lot of women

You know thinking about all the women

Going through all the ones you've had to

Work with how do how does the uh I know

They have financial problems too but the

Emotional cost and their health

Emotional and physical health how do you

Find that divorce really hits that oh it

I don't know that you can measure it but

I know um you've probably heard of the

Holes rehe stress inventory scale and

They list divorce as the second most

Stressful occurrence in life followed

Only by the only one that's bigger than

That is the death of the death of a

Spouse so you know and that's that's a

Predictor that's used to determine

Potential health issues based on your

Current stress levels and so um one of

The things that I find is women in

Particular don't spend enough time

Focusing on their own I know self-care

Is a buzz word so I'm just going to say

Sleep nutrition and exercise they don't

Spend enough time focusing on that um

It's really easy when you're when you're

Sad and you have every right to be sad

Sad or angry or hurt you have the right

To feel your feels I'm I think that's

Important that's another part of this

Whole getting rid of stress is is

Allowing it to work its way out of your

Body but um you know it's easy to fall

Into bad habits especially if you're

Living on your own it's easy to just you

Know if you're working and you're busy

And you' got kids it's easy to stop and

Grab prepared meals and fast food it's

Easy to fall into the habit of maybe

Having a glass of wine at night to relax

And there's nothing wrong with any of

These things but if it becomes too much

You know if it's not in balance with the

Rest of your life and your health starts

To suffer your physical health um

Because of your emotional health you

Can't be productive at work you can't be

A good mom to your kids you can't make

Informed decisions if your brain doesn't

Have the nutrients to function right and

The and it doesn't have the sleep and it

Doesn't have the you know the the the

Good experiences in life to keep those

Brain chemicals balanced so yeah this is

A huge component of what I work with my

Clients on oh my gosh it's so good these

Women are so blessed to have you really

Acknowledge their wholeness I mean

That's such a huge thing and obviously

Very near and dear to my heart having

Been a holistic um wellness coach um

What would you say some of the the

Advice you've given women suffering in

That way what are some of the things

Other than oh sleep eat you know all

That like is there something else that

Like certain tips that you have for for

Women to get through this thing without

Having a total

Breakdown well and and I I think that

What you just said is so critical

Because so many times you hear people

Say to somebody going through a divorce

Whether they're men or women oh well you

Need to get out and you need to you know

Enjoy yourself or you need to um you

Know you need to bring more positivity

Into your life or you need to eat better

But but those are all nice thoughts but

They're not practic they're not

Something that somebody who's so

Stressed about how am I going to pay for

This and where am I going to live and

How am I going to take care of my kids

And you know I'm not I'm not doing as

Well at my job because I'm having to

Juggle a million balls in the air you've

Got I think that the best thing that the

Best advice I give my clients or anybody

Going through divorce is sit down and

Create a plan and put it in right

And I think committing to yourself by

Putting things in writing and scheduling

Time and self-care is not bubble bath

And all that kind of stuff that's nice

But committing to you know I'm going to

Get up 20 minutes early and I'm going to

Do you know a a 10-minute yoga exercise

On youtube or I'm g to walk for 10

Minutes or I'm going to meditate for

Five minutes like whatever it is that

You're going to do scheduling that

Putting in writing commit committing to

It and then find somebody who can be

Your accountability partner whether it's

A family member or a friend or maybe

Somebody else going through a divorce

That you all can work together to do

Things um it doesn't have to be a paid

Professional if it is a professional

Like me great sometimes my clients check

In at the end of the week and say yep

Got everything done um but I'm not going

To get on them if they don't but I want

People to understand that caring for

Yourself is the single best thing you

Can do to help yourself get through the

Divorce and come out the other side and

Feel like I did a good job in that and

And divorce can create positive changes

In your life and just having the ability

To structure focus on yourself and

Commit to yourself because sometimes

It's hard to love yourself during a

Divorce especially if you feel like I

Failed in my marriage my family thinks I

Failed my church thinks I failed my

Community you know whoever you have got

To learn that learn to love yourself at

This point in time and recognize what

You are doing not what you're not doing

Exactly exactly and I love some of the

Ideas of you know the morning routine I

Know for me that's always been there

It's like you get up you meditate you do

Some journaling you take a walk boom

Then you're done for the day so to speak

But it does set reset you I remember I

Had a client that um you know she was

She was alone I think she was lonely and

You know she's you know was struggling

And I said and we we started talking

About some simple things she could

Do uh to to show herself some selflove

And one of the things that we came to I

Said you

Know how do you yeah when you do do you

Use good dishes you eat off a paper

Plate and and this is before I was doing

The mindful eating stuff but this was

Something I always had in my arsenal

Right uh as far as that kind of thing

And um she says oh no sometimes I'm

Standing I says you know I'm going to

Challenge

It do you have a favorite plate maybe

It's from your grandmother something I

Do I do it says do you have a

Candlestick yeah yeah yeah I said okay

Nice I want you to set the table as if

You were going to

Entertain the most revered woman ever

That table has to look like you're ready

To to share that you know meal with them

And uh it was really interesting the

Results were fabulous I mean she was

Really like oh such a little

Thing and she started doing that more

Often and I said see you're showing

Yourself you're worthy and sometimes we

Don't think we're worthy and I I love

That example and I'm going to use that

One these days I'm going to steal it

From you but absolutely anything you can

Do you know um sometimes for sometimes

It is I've encouraged people maybe to

Reach out to people that are have been

Positive supports in their life that

Maybe they've you know sometimes

Friendships just kind of slide away from

Us I mean um you know I've moved I used

To live in canada I moved to the states

So I have a new set of friends in the

States and I don't have as much in

Common because I don't see my my friends

In canada but they're still my dear

Friends they're still some of my best

Friends absolutely and and you know just

Knowing that just making the effort and

Now with social media you know we can

Reach out social media isn't all bad we

Can reach out and start those

Reconnections again and sometimes just

Reconnecting with those positive people

Reminds us of good times and good

Experiences and great relationships that

We have when we can sometimes we look at

At a divorce and go oh all my

Relationships have failed well no they

Haven't because there's other people in

Your life right and bringing those

Positive relationships in can help us

Start to you know and and our friends

Are gna boost our spirits and we're

Gonna talk about things that bring us

Joy and those kind of things yeah and

That is part of the self-care you going

To a movie is self-care you know it's

Like like you said it's not bubble bath

You know it's and that's nice too but

That's it's a mis

Misconception uh the way people are

Viewing quote self-care right and it

Just it does I'm sure frustrate you too

Because no there's so many things like

Stop what you're

Doing put a puzzle together yeah or even

Cook your own meals like I made it a

Point that I don't I live out in the

Country so I can't get food

Deliveries I'm kind of stuck right you

Know even if you're a busy um even if

You're busy and you're working and you

Have kids now this isn't always all that

Affordable but you know there's these

Food kits now where you can get fresh

Food and it's all pre-measured so

Basically you just have to focus on the

Cooking but if you enjoy cooking that

Ritual of making the food and smelling

It and you know cutting it and preparing

It with love that's a form of self-care

Absolutely absolutely yeah noticing how

Did that carrot grow you know looking at

The farmers and and be feeling gratitude

Gratitude is another big thing I think

Um I came to feel after my divorce it

Was like I have to be grateful because I

Know there's a purpose and I'll figure

It out hopefully

Soon at the time I wanted it right now

What's going on but yeah over time time

It was very clear yeah that it was a

Blessing in the skies you know and uh

You know I I have to say you know things

If you put on that positive um nurturing

Hat self- nurturing hat it surely makes

A difference in how you get through

Anything in life yeah and and I still

Agree with you I think sometimes when

You're right in the divorce you know

People say oh be positive you're like

Kind of like what the heck are you

Talking about but you you know six

Months from now you're going to be in a

Different place and you're going to look

Back and you're going to have a

Different perspective on what happened

And if you can focus on seeing the

Growth that you accomplished by

Navigating the legal process by

Navigating by negotiating by learning

More about yourself maybe by making some

Getting rid of some of the stuff that

Was no longer serving you in life that

You were stuck doing because that's that

Was your role as as the spouse now you

Can get rid of that stuff you can create

Your own traditions and ideas and ways

To celebrate and and recognize things it

Can be it can be a really positive

Experience but right when you're in it

It might not seem like that but you're

Right it will eventually very true very

True so um what's the most uh I mean

We've talked about different uh

Suggestions for women for self-care and

All that stuff

Um if you could

Pick out one thing for people to do um

When they're they know they're breaking

Up maybe it's like how to reach you um

Or how to suggest reaching someone like

Yourself well I think the the first

Thing is um and this is probably not

What other divorce coaches are going to

Say but I don't think everybody needs a

Divorce coach I really don't so if you

Have if you if you're having a fairly um

Amicable discussion about your divorce

And you have reason your partner has

Always been reasonable and willing to

Work with you um that there's probably

And you have a support network and you

Feel like you're in a good place you

Probably are in a good place if however

You're feeling isolated you're feeling

Like you don't know who who to turn you

Don't want your divorce dirty laundry

Getting aired be and you're afraid of

What your partner's going to say or your

Partner has those narcissistic

Tendencies or has lied or is

Manipulative or has um gone back or

Doesn't follow through on their word

Having somebody like a divorce coach

Helps you with all of that process

You're still going to need an attorney

To deal with your legal issues you you

May want to work with a therapist to

Deal with your own stuff you may want to

Work with dr peggy to help on your

Eating and health and holistic health

Stuff so all of these things can come

Into play but you don't you're if you

Are a person that's high achieving high

Asset or high conflict you need probably

A divorce team that includes a financial

Planner um as opposed to just trying to

Do it with an attorney so searching for

Divorce coaches will um will get you a

Good list of people but just remember um

As with any coach you're going to want

To look and see what is their training

What is their education are they are

They actually a coach um what experience

Do they have and what's their areas of

Specialization oh that is something and

And there are some great coaches that

Don't have a lot of formal education so

That's not the the key one that's not

What I'm suggesting but you want to make

Sure that you you feel comfortable

Trusting that professional with your

That person with your confidential

Information and your personal

Information I have um I'm sure there's a

Lot of people listening that want to say

Ask what's the difference between a

Mediate ator and a divorce

Coach okay so a mediator because I'm

Both so I know I'm waiting I'm jumping

At the bit here a mediator is a neutral

Third party that's called in during the

Settlement process to attempt to work

With both parties to come to a an

Agreement so it's like an agreement that

Stipulates you get the house you you get

This you get that it's it's the nuts and

Bolts of your divorce settlement now um

A mediator can't grant you the divorce

Only the court can do that but they can

Help you create the settlement and

Usually you hire a mediator for four

Hours or eight hours or sometimes it's

Broken up over a few days but their role

Is a neutral they don't represent either

Party and they're not supposed to be

Providing legal advice or telling you

How to manage your your asset division

Of assets and and liabilities um and

Your co-parenting plan that's what the

Mediator does uh the divorce coach is

Your

Support system through the divorce I I

Sort of call I sometimes I have one

Client that calls me her divorce

Concierge because you know she feels she

Needs something we sit around and we we

Go through coaching session um I don't

Ever tell my clients what to do or who

To hire or what to do we just look at

All the possible options and then you

Know I sometimes I play devil's advocate

Well what if this goes wrong how are you

Going to handle this and we we talk

Through all the options and help them

Feel really confident so for instance

When they go into negotiation with their

Partner or when they go into mediation

They understand what the process is

Going to be they understand like what

Their options are what might be a good

Arrangement for them what what they need

To be concerned about and sometimes even

What they need more information about to

Make those decisions so um they're two

Very separate

Roles that is great to get that

Clarified I'm sure everybody's going oh

I didn't know there was a difference

Right but um this has been

So uplifting to me and it's really

Really interesting and I don't know

Anybody else doing what you do which is

Like oh I got the actual real expert on

My podcast this is a big deal oh thank

You um now I understand you have a

Little gift for our listeners today you

Want to tell us a little bit about that

I have a couple and I'd be happy to I'd

Be happy to add some more I think what I

Gave you was the 28 day resilience

Building blueprint a 28 day resilience

Building blueprint and what it is is

It's a journal that has like an activity

For you to do throughout the day and

Then at the bottom at the bottom of the

Page it has a question about how did

That how did that change the way you

Look at things how did that change the

Way you feel and it's all stuff that you

Can do um at home or at work and there's

No cost involved so it might be like

Hold the door open for somebody uh you

Know and and just see how that makes you

Feel when you do it how did the person

Respond and how did that maybe change

Your next interaction with the next

Person you run into during the day so

It's it's it works on resilience and

Gratitude oh my gosh that's a great gift

I think everybody needs that and it's

It's 28 days but you don't have to do it

28 consecutive days I mean you can pick

And choose maybe you can do one day a

Week or if you're really gung-ho as my

Mom used to say you can get in there and

Do it for 28 days but that is terrif

It's just kind of a it's I I like the

Idea because it gives you a specific

Action and then asks you how that

Impacted your life so oh awesome awesome

Well I'm sure everybody will really

Appreciate that and is there a a a

Preferred way for people to connect with

You sure can reach out to me through my

Website uh it's divorce coach for women

That's the number four so it's www.

Divorce coach number4 women.Com and

There's a quiz about take your divorce

Stress test if you do the quiz it'll

Give you some results and some tips for

Handling your specific kind of stress

Around financing being single being a

Co-parent and changing your careers

Throughout the divorce those seem to be

The four big ones so it'll give you some

Strategies and ideas and then you'll

Also get an invitation if you want to do

A free uh divorce strategy planning

Session with me how generous wow oh this

Is wonderful and I want to thank you so

Much for your time here and I know

There's going to be a lot of people

Hanging on to this this particular

Information but thank you so much thank

You so much it was such a pleasure to

Talk with you dr peggy oh thanks